Okay, hear me out. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t marry for love. If you don’t truly love your spouse it’s going to be a long lifetime of picking up each other’s dirty socks off the floor, trying to figure out what you want for dinner, and waiting to watch a show because you have to watch it together. Loving each other transcends the sometimes annoyance and monotony of long term relationships. But what I am talking about is compatibility, and not whether you both like Adam Sandler movies and dislike pickles. I am talking about financial compatibility. Marriage is about long term planning and you will go through a lifetime of financial choices together, so you want to make sure you are financially compatible too.
Marrying for money doesn’t mean marrying someone with a trust fund or who is royalty of an obscure yet miraculously wealthy nation. What I mean is marrying someone that has similar money values. Money may come and go but values are forever. You want to know that you and your partner share the same view of money and how you earn, spend, and save it. If you are a hard worker who works diligently at your job day in and day out, you may find yourself at odds with someone who would rather sit home and live off your salary without having to lift a finger. If you are a big spender who really enjoys the finer things in life and likes nothing more than a fancy bottle of wine at a five star restaurant, extravagant vacations, and giving large gifts, you may find yourself constantly bickering with a pinch penny spouse who prefers eating only at home, frugal gifts, and hates traveling. In any couple there is often a spender and a saver, but when you are very far apart and one is a miser and the other a spendthrift, you will have a lifetime of arguing.
Similar long term financial goals are important. Talking with your spouse about your long term goals will provide insight on what you both think is important. If you are both in agreement that you want to save enough to fully pay for your children’s college costs, then you have both set that as a priority and can devise a plan to save for that goal. If you have decided that you want to donate a portion of your income to your church or charity, you both can agree on that goal and allocate for it in your spending plan. Thinking ahead and discussing with your partner about how you envision your golden years can inform your retirement planning goals and give you a target to shoot for based on your agreed upon lifestyle choices. Then work together to devise a plan that you can both agree on to get there.
Similar spending habits are important. After all, how you spend your money shows what your priorities are and if you have very different priorities you will have conflict. If you have similar spending habits it makes life much easier than if you are very far apart on those habits. Whether you both agree that $200 is far too much to pay for shoes, you both agree that a weeklong tropical vacation is an annual must-have expenditure, or you prefer to eat out for every meal, look to what you agree on. Identifying your spending priorities shows what you value, whether that is fine dining or supporting your favorite charitable organizations. One of you will likely prefer to spend more than the other and probably on different things, but as long as you are both willing to compromise to meet your financial goals you can find common ground.
Similar savings habits are important. This is connected to you and your spouse’s spending habits, but you want to be on the same page with how you save, whether it is a lot or a little. Whether you spend all you make or save half of it, you hopefully are in agreement about how you approach savings. Sure, it’s better to save something each month then to spend all of what you make, but the most important point here is that you are in agreement. If you are far apart on spending and saving, you will have a long road ahead of you.
Money is involved in every marriage because money is necessary to live. Whether you agree on money with your spouse can make the difference between whether you stay happily married or not. Talk with your partner about your long term financial goals and set a course you can both agree upon. And set some spending and saving habits that can help you meet those goals. You may have to compromise somewhat on those goals and how you get there, but that is absolutely okay. No two people will agree on everything at the same level all the time, but being willing to talk about your finances and goals will get it all out in the open and help identify your priorities, talk about your preferences, and help to avoid resentment by laying out clear expectations of each other.
