What should you look for in a spouse? Someone who is good looking with a great sense of humor, of course, as well as someone with your shared hobbies and interests. But should you also marry for money and look for a spouse with a great bank account balance? Maybe a well-educated doctor or lawyer even? Not exactly, but you should consider money when considering a spouse.
The makings of a happy and lasting marriage are being able to work together, commit to and respect each other, and having shared deep values. Some of those most important shared values are how far you want to live from your in-laws, how many children to have and your parenting style, and your views on money. Incompatibility and fighting surrounding money is the second most frequently cited reason for divorce. Being able to agree on some basic parameters like spending and saving priorities is key since how you spend your money shows where your deep values lie. Let’s take a look at some key points to consider and talk about with a potential spouse before you tie the knot.
Ideas about Credit and Debt
If one of you is a debt lover and the other is a debt hater, you may find yourselves arguing for the next several decades. Exploring each other’s views on debt and using credit is key to understand where the other is coming from and how you can make a compromise you can both live with. This issue will come up routinely in a marriage: whether to use a credit card for points/miles or not, whether to save up for a new car or take out a loan, whether to whip out the credit card for Christmas presents or not, etc. Getting on the same page with whether or not you use credit is key for day to day financial understanding. And both partners should disclose how much debt they have already accrued, along with how long it will take them to pay it off based on their current payment plan.
How bills are to be spit and paid
Most marriages are not made up of two people that earn the same amount of money. There is usually some disparity and someone will be the breadwinner, perhaps by a substantial amount. Make a joint decision about how you view money in your household (yours and mine, or ours), determine who is financially responsible for paying which bills if you don’t put all your money together, and determine who is responsible for balancing the checkbook, tracking the budget, and writing checks to pay bills. It may be that you choose one person to track all the money in the household but you both should be emotionally invested in understanding and deciding how your money is spent.
Where you want to live
Some romantic movies are based on the premise of a city girl and a country boy falling in love. Sweet, but they don’t show the arguments later over whether they should live in the city or country, how close to each other’s parents they want to live, and whether they will move across the country for the other spouse’s job. These logistical issues can become a nightmare in a marriage and need to be hammered out. Both people have to be willing to compromise, but bending too far and agreeing to a move you dislike can lead to resentment as well. Seek compromise and middle ground as much as possible and remember, you married each other, not a city or house.
Savings plans and priorities
Setting your savings plan identifies your priorities. Many marriages are made up of a spender and a saver: one that prioritizes spending for today and another that prioritizes saving for tomorrow. These different money types can still be compatible as long as you both can brainstorm your shared short-term and long-term savings and spending goals. A compromise of saving for a short term plan like a vacation can be a welcome reward that shows the fruit of your labor, whereas saving for long-term goals like buying a home or retirement can seem lofty and too far off to be achieved. Flexing that savings muscle can encourage both types to save when they see the payoff in the end.
What does retirement look like?
How do you plan to live in your old age? Do you want to stay in your home or move to a warmer climate? Do your savings goals today reflect your goals and are you likely to reach them with your current retirement investment contributions? When you are on the same page with your retirement goals it isn’t so hard to delay gratification as you sock away a chunk of your salary each month and will help avoid resentment from a spouse who would prefer to spend that money today.
How was money viewed in your family growing up?
Did you grow up below the poverty line or quite high above it? Was money talked about openly in your household or was it a taboo subject? Someone who grew up with food scarcity may be one to overstock the pantry and spend too much on groceries each month or, conversely, be a pinch-penny who is afraid to spend any money lest a financial storm come. And someone who grew up with plenty and never talked about money may struggle to understand budgeting, carefully thinking through purchases, and planning for the future. Sharing your childhood and family experiences about money can help you better understand where each other is coming from and why you make the choices that you make.
These are by no means questions that need to be discussed ad nauseum and it is not a pass/fail test, but these money topics should be generally discussed with your partner so you can gain a more thorough understanding of where you each stand and the ground you need to cover. There is no need to ensure 100% agreement before tying the knot, but a willingness to work together is paramount. Marrying for money is not about choosing a wealthy spouse, rather it is about making a decision to work together with your partner and ensuring you can be financially compatible.
